come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
