It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We need to get me chipped asap
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
