I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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