Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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