Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
