im about as happy as oj after his trial
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
