I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
