Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
