If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
