Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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