Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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