OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
