Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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