When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
