3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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