all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
