My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
