So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
