There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
