i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
