so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
