Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
