a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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