every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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