I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
