i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
