i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
