So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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