I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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