Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We had to coat check the pizza.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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