Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
