drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
