considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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