He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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