Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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