The best revenge is premature balding
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
