just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
