I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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