She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
