She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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