he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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