Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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