I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We have started to decorate penises.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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