Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
