My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
