Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Someone signed my nipple.
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