i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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