if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
