please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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