tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
