Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
