sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
